Doppelgänger of the Day: Vol. 11

August 26, 2011

One of the many benefits of having summers off is that it affords plenty of time to watch History Channel documentaries.  The other day I was channel surfing and quickly found myself engrossed in a History Channel original docudrama titled ‘After Armageddon‘.  This show chronicled the journey of the Johnson family who were trying to survive in a post-apocalyptic United States.

Well worth an hour and a half of your time.

One of the things that immediately struck me about the show was how it starred an incredibly young Ray Romano.  Once I heard the guy talk, however, I knew he was no Manny the Mastodon.  Nope.  It was just television documentary regular Rob Hartz.

Boy, you catch that Rob Hartz guy in the appropriate lighting and he immediately looks like a family-friendly comedian. With better hair.


The University of Miami Football program allegedy commits NCAA violations, no one gives a shit.

August 18, 2011

‘The U’, as it’s affectionately called by illiterate players and idiot fans everywhere, is involved in a major NCAA violations scandal.  People everywhere collectively yawn.

It seems like everyone on the planet is realistic about powerhouse Division I football programs except for the governing body of powerhouse Division I football programs, the NCAA.  I’ve already voiced my distaste for that dirtbag organization here, and this is another great example of why I can’t stand the filthy animals that work at that office in Indiana.

Yes, that was a 'Home Alone' reference, if you were paying close attention.

Why does the NCAA bother me in this particular situation?  First, I feel like I need to establish that student-athletes are not ordinary people when they play a sport for a well renowned university.  Not on their campus, and not in the towns or cities where they attend school.  That’s just a fact of life.  Stop and consider for a moment that these are 18 to 20-something year old kids.  How do you think they’re going to handle being a local celebrity, let alone a national one?  Imagine yourself a college student again, eating in the cafeteria every day and drinking Old German beer at night.  If someone walked up to you and wanted to give you $1,000, no strings attached, you would take the money without thinking twice.  And personally, I don’t have a problem with that at all.  If you want to get your head smashed in by a bunch of Neanderthals for my entertainment (and for the NCAA’s profit), I feel that you should be compensated accordingly.

And why shouldn’t college athletes, especially football players, be compensated for the services that they provide?  Miami football can cram 75,000-plus fans into Sun Life Stadium each week, generating millions of dollars of revenue for the University and the NCAA.  Maybe in a fantastic draft class five kids are taken by NFL teams out of the 60 or so ‘student athletes’.  And I hate when people say, ‘Well, they’re getting a free college education.  They shouldn’t get paid.’  That’s horse shit.  The rest of those football players who don’t go to the NFL will have to find real jobs with their college educations.  Take a look at a study conducted by the Wall Street Journal and consider how many of those kids actually earn degrees that will be practical in helping them secure a job once they leave college.  (Sorry to those 103 liberal arts majors, but it’s a tough job market out there.)  Those kids’ jobs are to be football players.  If the NCAA really wanted to take care of its student athletes, they’d pull that stick out of their asses and pay to let every student athlete go back to school after they graduate so they can actually focus on earning a practical degree.

So I guess the crux of my hatred for the NCCA stems from the fact that as an organization, they have no problem pimping out these ‘student athletes’ on television.  In fact, and though no one in the NCAA will ever admit it, they probably don’t have that big of a problem with players receiving fringe benefits, like a little cash here-and-there, or access into a night club, or, dare I say a car, as long as no one is the wiser.  Once some nosy reporter starts poking around, however, it seems like that’s when everyone starts jumping on their moral high horses.  Just stop and think for a minute.  Do you really think that there were zero violations going on at the University of Miami, which is located in Miami, Florida, before 2002?

I'm sure no student-athletes were making questionable choices in the city of Miami before 2002, right NCAA?

No one in the NCAA cares about any kind of violation until it’s brought to light.  Only then do they mount their Righteous Stallion of Integrity, open an investigation, and ride full speed with their Sword of Truthiness to cripple a deserving college sports program.

Whatever.  That’s literally all I can think to say to the NCAA; whatever.  Like any subhuman, soul-sucking machine, the NCAA doesn’t really care about its ‘student athletes’, universities, or fans.  It cares about a bottom line so that the people at the top of food chain can get paid.  And if you think the NCAA really isn’t a business functioning to make money, check out this contract that they signed with CBS.  And people wonder why they want to expand the tournament field.

Now, all of that being said, if someone is paying for hookers for players on a football team, that’s just wrong.  That’s a crime, and I’m fine with throwing the book at whoever you want to throw the book at after an investigation.  I also don’t like douchebags.  Just because you’re a college football player, doesn’t mean that you should act like a total turd.

Kellen Winslow and former Miami booster Nevin Shapiro. Behavior like this is never acceptable under any circumstances. You're in Miami. You don't need long sleeves.

But seriously, no one outside of the NCAA gives a shit about a ‘student athlete’ receiving money or tickets to a sporting event.  No one cares if the head coach of the football program knew that his football players were receiving ‘improper’ benefits.  Walk down the street and ask ten random people you meet if it offends their general sensibilities if college football player earn money for their services.  No one will care.  Clearly the NFL has no problem with its employees being involved in scandalous NCAA violations, as evidenced by Pete Carroll’s hiring in Seattle.

So, NCAA, get off your high horse.  You’re the only one still pretending.

Sources: 1, 2

Jack-in-the-Box isn’t scared to speak his mind.

July 23, 2011

I’ve never had a particularly memorable experience at a Jack-in-the-Box.  I suppose I’ve never gotten food poisoning from there either.  The few times I have eaten there, I’ve thought, ‘Meh.  I could’ve had McDonalds.’

One thing they know how to do, however, is advertise.  Like in this commercial with a menopausal mother who drinks smoothies from Jack-in-the-Box so she doesn’t go, as Jack so delicately describes, ‘Street rat crazy’.

This has Don Draper written all over it.

Coover Bennett

April 10, 2011

I hate you Coover Bennett.  I hate you and your stupid Southern accent.

The Olsen Twins are incredibly gross.

March 27, 2011

I’m a child of the Full House Generation.  I went through awkward adolescent relationships right along with Stephanie Tanner.  I struggled through anorexia with DJ.  I wrestled ferrets in the basement with Uncle Jesses and his mullet.  Have mercy!

Sadly, it turns out that life doesn’t always imitate art.  Bob Saget is really a giant pervert, Dave Coulier isn’t funny doing anything other than the voice of a woodchuck, Jodie Sweetin is a whacked out meth addict, and John Stamos… well, actually, it turns out that John Stamos is pretty awesome.  One of the best parts of that show, however, was the adorable set of twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, who portrayed Michelle Tanner.  Michelle was a well-trained family pet the adorable youngest daughter of the troupe.  She had impeccable timing with catch-phrases like, “You got it dude!” and, “You’re in big trouble mister!”   In my head, when I think of “Full House”, I remember when Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen both looked like this.

Those kids are so adorable. It almost makes me want to go get one of my own.

Unfortunately, early celebrity has taken yet two more victims in its deadly grasp.


Keep your resumes up-to-date, girls.  I hear Tim Burton is casting for his sequel to ‘The Corpse Bride’ soon.

Californication returns.

November 24, 2010

January 9, 2011.  Mark your calendars for an all new season of Hank Moody.

Let's see how Hank deals with the mess that he created.

Bill O’Reilly is an idiot.

October 15, 2010

Seriously.  A flaming idiot.

Around the 1:5o mark, Bill O’Reilly says on of the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.  While trying to explain why he feels the ‘Ground Zero Mosque’, as it’s now known, is inappropriate, O’Reilly and his mindless diarrhea of the mouth farted the following:

“Muslims killed us on 9/11!”

Holy shit.  That is one of the most bigoted, idiotic things I have ever heard someone utter, Fox News or otherwise.

Generalizing the terrorists behind the 9/11 attacks as Muslims would be like generalizing the Southern lynch mobs in the late 1800’s as Christians.  Were the crazy rednecks who hung black people from trees Christians?  Absolutely.  I don’t hear Bill O’Reilly preaching that Christians senselessly murdered thousands of black people.  Because the ignorant hillbillies who did things like that were ‘Christians’.

It doesn’t seem fair to pass judgment on a whole group of people when you’re part of that group, does it, O’Reilly?  You horse’s ass.

Bill O'Reilly is a horse's ass. Literally.


Then O’Reilly tries some more failed logic and a terrible PR drop as he continues to ramble on pointlessly: “…a lot of the 9/11 families, who I know, say, ‘Look, we don’t want that.'”

Jesus.  Do you mean like how when white, Southern Christians enslaved, raped, and murdered black people in the South for over a century and then fought in a war to prevent their slaves from freedom in the name of the Confederate flag? I bet the descendants of those slaves don’t want the rebel flag flying around capital cities.  Jackass.  And, in a sadly predictable twist, every radio station that Bill O’Reilly’s on promotes the right to wave that Confederate flag.

Columbia, South Carolina: A century and a half behind the North.

It will never cease to amaze me that people like O’Reilly still have viewers, even after they say terribly bigoted, uneducated things like that.