Quotant Quotables: Vol. 8: The 2011 Edition

January 1, 2012
2011 Banner

I love my friends. What some people may view as insensitive and rude, I view as hilarious and creative.

Because some sticky fingered little bastards stole my laptop in DC, I lost all of my favorite quotes up to July of this year.  However, these are my favorite quotes from my friends from then until now.

Happy New Year!

– “Tim Tebow : quarterback :: Katy Perry : music.  That may be giving Tim Tebow too much credit.”

– “Guys like you are the reason girls like her have low self esteem.”

“No, I think it’s because girls like her eat too much.  That’s why she has low self esteem.”

– “As long as they go heavy on the baby powder. I don’t want to have to dry clean my suit.”

– “I like scarves. I have a long neck and I like it to be warm.”

– “The McRib is to pork what Nickelback is to music.”

-“You’re packing heat like the oven door.”

– “The show ‘When Animals Attack’ should really be called ‘When Stupid People Go Near Dangerous Animals’.”

– “I remember when [he] told me that he bought a Creed album and it was awesome.”

“Yeah, and the Bible is a good book.”

– “I was really bummed I didn’t get to go to the Corry museum this weekend.   It’s only a matter of time before that becomes a bar too.”

– “I’ve got plenty of girls that are ready to buy the car; I’m just not ready to sell it.”

– “If you’ve still got lead in your pencil, make sure you’ve got someone to write to.”

– “Would you ever date a woman with kids?”

“Oh, yeah. Sure.  I was just thinking to myself that my life doesn’t have enough burdens and responsibility already. I’m ready to ruin it.”

– “I’m a little nervous.  I get gassy when I get nervous.  You’re really pretty.  I don’t know why I told you that.”

– “You have really pretty eyes.”

“Thank you, but I have a big enough ego already.”

– “Wow.  You really bottle things up. Maybe I’ll have Elizabeth buy one of those one sided couch things and you can have a therapy session.”

“Oh, man. You don’t even know. I’m straight up dangerous to society at this point.”

– “What part of my team is weak?”

“I’d say at manager.”

– “There’s a good chance you’d meet your demise by drowning pantless and drunk. I’m almost certain of that.”

“Is it still considered pantless if they are wrapped around your head?”

“Yes. Because clearly at that point they are serving as a hat. So you won’t die hatless, at least.”

– “She was really pretty until she smiled.  She opened her mouth and it was like someone shoved a crystal meth grenade in there and it exploded.”

On The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo:

-“Wow.  There sure was a lot of rape in that movie.”

“I disagree.  I feel like there was just the right amount of rape.”

– “It’s not important who you’ve been with, it’s important who you end up with. Unless you’ve been with Magic Johnson. Then that’s pretty important.”

– After having my car broke into in Washington, DC; talking to the window replacement guy:

“Don’t worry, I don’t judge DC on this one experience.”

“Shit.  I would.”

– “Ew.  You’re eating hot dogs at 10:30 in the morning?”

“What?  Do you want me to wait ’til 11:00?”

– “Happy New Year.  Have fun.  Be safe.  And don’t do anything Marcus Hayden would do.”


Quotant Quotables: Vol. 7

December 26, 2010

“I need an intellectual booty call around these parts.”

“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

“Take me drunk.  I’m home.”

“I don’t let boys aboard. Only seamen are allowed to sail their ships into my cove.”

“NOT a parking spot.  Look next time, Helen Keller.”

“Is that how real people end arguments?  With a solution?  What a pussy.”

“I don’t have a problem.  I have an addiction.”

“I would laugh if a Steeler died.  Like if Jerome Bettis were walking across the street and got hit by a bus.  That’d be funny.”

“On a minute by minute basis, I would have to say widowmaking is more dangerous than Afghanistan.”

“This artificial crab meat with this artificial butter is artificially delicious!”

“There was no silver spoons for me.  There was plastic spoons and dope.”

“The only thing keeping you from being happy is the belief that you’re alone.”

“I’m here.  I’m plaid.  Get used to it.”

“The 1980’s are like a different planet.”

“What’s the difference between Ike Taylor and Rihanna? Rihanna knows it’s wrong to get beat by your man.”

“Our bodies defy the laws of biology.  We must all have tapeworms or something.”

“Cheating is like masturbation.  It’s a lot of fun until you get caught in the middle of class by your teacher.”

“I remember when I used to be nostalgic.”

“Deer are just giant rats with hooves.”

“Hey.  Are you going to see ‘Hollow Man’ in Invisible-D?”

“I was watching Big Cat Diaries on Animal Planet the other day and I was thinking to myself how I never see those big cats carry their young in their mouth. Then, before I knew it, it happened!”

“Jesus. I was not expecting a yard full of Mennonites when I looked out my kitchen window.”

“My id has a great sense of humor. In last night’s dream I was looking to buy ‘Hymns for Kids’ by Jeffrey Dahmer on amazon.com.”

“With tits like that, she should definitely spend the money to get her teeth fixed.”

“The definition of irony: when the lady from West Virginia wins the Aspen Dental smile of the game.”

“There’s more to life than a good drink. There’s also beautiful women and baseball.”

“Could you kill a moose with a .22? Yeah. You shoot a moose in the head. With a gun.”

“She’s what my friend would call a beefalo. Her ass wouldn’t fit in a wheelbarrow. You wouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pole, but she has a lot of bruises where guys have hit her with a 12.”

“I saw that girl and was like, ‘Did you see her Halloween costume?’  And then I realized she just dresses like that.”

“I picked up some breakfast.  But it was more like breakslow.  There was nothing fast about that meal.”

“I knew I forgot something at your house.  And at first I thought it was my pants.”

“I think if people knew how often you talk to them while taking a shit, they wouldn’t talk to you nearly as much.”

Fight for You Right to Party is one of the most overrated songs ever.”
“That’s because you’ve never had to actually fight for your right to party.  You’ve had your partying handed to you on a silver platter your whole life.”

“You can erase my strike, but you can’t erase the facts.”

“You wanna come over and watch ‘Public Enemies’ when Meagan leaves?”
“Isaac!  That movie’s in the DVD player in our bedroom!”

“Boys, I worship at the altar of the Rawhide God. He giveth flairs to short right and he taketh away shots in the hole. He can make that 12-to-6 fall right off the table or let it hang like a bed sheet on a mid-summer’s day. But whichever way He lets that ball bounce or drop, you’d better make sure you approach it with everything you’ve got, or else this game will eat you alive.”

“He’s been burned.”

“We’re about to overcome that all over your face.”

“You have about as much tact as blunt force trauma to the head.”

“And I thought I left all the enemies overseas.”

“It could be worse; I could’ve gotten that ignorant shit tattooed on my arm.”

“Did you see her at Halloween?  She is totally stripper-hot.”

“Slap my ass!”

“He’s only saying what’s on all of our minds. People don’t kill people; giant, red lobsters do.”

“You’ll have to pull the key to my double-wide out of my cold, dead hand.”

“We had no choice growing up, you either took a chance of getting stabbed or you went hungry.”

“Don’t blame your bad experience on your lack of experience.”

“From now on if anyone attempts to ruin the good vibe during my facebook experience by posting negative messages in their status update, I’m going to ‘like’ it.”

Quotant Quotables: Vol. 6

September 16, 2010


“If you can’t explain your physics to a barmaid, it is probably not very good physics.” – Ernest Rutherford

“I write to discover what I think.  After all, the bars aren’t open that early.” – Daniel Boorstin

“There’s more to life than a good drink.  There’s also beautiful women and baseball.” – Andrew Scott

“By the time a bartender knows what drink a man will have before he orders, there is little else about him worth knowing.” – Don Marquis

“How much of our literature, our political life, our friendships and love affairs, depend on being able to talk peacefully in a bar.” – John Wain

“Take me drunk,  I’m home.” – Kent Pelisari

Quotant Quotables: Vol. 5

August 1, 2010

“…one day, you catch yourself wishing the person you loved had never existed so you’d be spared your pain.” – Henri Ducard/Ra’s al Ghul

Quotant Quotables: Vol. 4

June 14, 2010

“So convenient a thing it is to be a reasonable creature, since it enables one to find or make a reason for everything one has a mind to do.” – Benjamin Franklin, The Autobiography of Benjamin Franklin

Quotant Quotables: Vol. 3

January 27, 2010

These are all quotes involving my friends over the last year or so. Not to sound like a total fruitcake, but I really love these guys. If I’ve missed any other good ones, please feel free to add ’em at the bottom.

“Hey, slapdash! You gonna shoot or what?”

“Holy S-Turn!”

“Marcus is cop-proof.”

Random guy who butted in at the pool table:
“Oh. You only play for a buck? I only play for 5 bucks.”
“Well we only play for a buck. So bring a dollar and your rum and RC Cola over here if you wanna play.”

“What do you call a person from Idaho?”
“A potato-eating mother fucker.”
“What about a person from Wisconsin?”
“…A cheese-eating mother fucker!”

“It could be worse. You could be pregnant.”

“What’s the safe word?”
“Safe word is the safe word.”

“She doesn’t look too bad for a lady who banged out four or five kids.”

“How could I get a chick into my room? It’s two feet by two feet.”

“Andy, your face has that sunken-in, Abraham Lincoln look.”

“Rule number one: the belt always matches the shoes.”
“What’s rule number two?”
“Always follow rule number one.”

“We will be arriving at Gate A. That’s Gate A as in ‘Ah, f*ck, a three hour layover.'”

“I’ve never seen anyone eat ice cream as fast as you.”

“Common sense says bite your tongue.”

Upon hearing that Angelos Vangelos was arrested for threatening the governor of North Carolina:
“Angelos Vangelos? Ha ha ha ha!”

“Is he drinking a gallon of beer?”
“A gallon of beer wouldn’t be called the gallon challenge. It’d be called Saturday night.”

“Anytime anyone enters our circle of friends they must think to themselves, ‘What the fuck is wrong with these people? They hate each other.'”

“If you breed, we’ll teach ’em to read.”

“That’s why I only watch Fox News.”

With his head hanging out of the passenger side car window whilst riding down Cherry Street:
“I feel just like The Joker in that Batman movie right now!”

“My grad class discussion is due tonight by midnight. You wanna do it for me?
“For how much?”
“Five bucks.”
“All right. Where’s your lap top?”

“Oh, sure, Andy. Trust the white man. Why don’t you ask the Native Americans how that worked out for them?”

“Let’s make some poor choices.”
“Just make sure it doesn’t burn the next morning.”


“Hey, can you shave the back of my neck?”
“Sure. As long as it’s not your balls, I’m okay with that.”
“…it’s a good thing girls can’t see us getting ready for the bar.”

“Sam! Are you wearing whitey-tighties?”
“NO… okay, you called me out on that.”

After Garrett drank a gallon of milk, he needed to place his head in the freezer to keep his core temperature down and possibly vomit on all of our freezables.
“Hey, big guy. How ya doin’ over here?”
“Get away from me.”

“I blacked out for the first time in my life from alcohol consumption last night. I threw up everywhere in this dude’s house and everyone thinks I’m a dick.”
“Yeah. How long did you manage on that keg-stand?”
“11 seconds.”


“G’Day Lad! I just found out that in order to obtain optimum awesomeness we must move out of our parents’ houses, so let me know if you want to obtain optimum awesomeness.”

“Our best ideas happen at Sprague’s”

“Steve comin’ out tonight?”
“No. He said he’s taking a break from drinking for a while.”
“Really? Why?”
“Well, he said the last time that he went out like that, he could smell the Jim Beam in his piss for a week.”

“Anyone think it’s weird that that guy’s wife is like seventeen years old?”
“I think that’s his daughter.”

“I just block-blocked the shit out of you.”

“Erin Andrews is so hot that when she’s alone and naked in her hotel room she actually stands in front of the mirror and checks herself out.”

“They need to create a phone application for you that won’t let you dial on your phone after 2 AM.”

“I definitely didn’t have doe tag this deer season. I Committed Cervidae-cide last night.”

“I can’t wait to get drunk and hang upside-down on that inversion table.”
“Yeah. All that thinned blood running right to your brain is going to be awesome.”

“Man, for being an accountant I sure can’t add and subtract.”

“Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice: If you ever have to speak in public, please don’t use the word ‘good’ as an adverb.”

Lady while eating a bowl of hard ice cream:
“I don’t like hard ice cream.”
“Yeah. I can tell.”

In the middle of a debate on public health care:
“Yes, I’m saying I don’t agree with that! It’s my own fucking opinion! If you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out of my house!”

“Football today at our house, guys. It’s BYOF: Bring Your Own Fork.”

“Rule number one: Don’t fuck with Dan at Blokus.”
“What’s rule number two?”
“Always follow rule number one.”

“Holy shit. How did all of this happen? Tonight started out with me just wanting some Taco Bell.”

While watching the Halloween episode of “The Office”.
“Book face? I don’t get it.”
Jim Halpert on the television: “Yes. I am the popular social networking site ‘book-face’.”
“Ha ha. Oh, I get it.”

Quotant Quotables: Vol. 2

December 9, 2009

“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.” – Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

“We are all ready to be savage in some cause. The difference between a good man and bad one is the choice of the cause.” – William James

“We have humble God-fearing Christian men among us who will stoop to do things for a million dollars that they ought not to be willing to do for less than two million.” – Mark Twain