Doppelgänger of the Day: Vol. 12

March 11, 2012

Every Tuesday I tune into FX at 10 PM to watch my favorite United States Marshall chase down crazy pill-popping meth addicts, drug dealers, and organ harvesters.  Timothy Olyphabulous, who stars as protagonist Raylan Givens, was initially the reason I started tuning in each week.  However, I quickly gravitated to another character on the show, Arlo Givens, Raylan’s criminally insane father.  Why did I connect with this character?  Because he’s played by Presidential candidate Ron Paul.

Presidential candidate Ron Paul looks an awful lot like a racist, drug peddling abusive father from Harlan County.

Give your friends a nickel if you show them this picture and they can pick out Ron Paul.

Ron Paul doesn’t really play Arlo Givens.  It’s actually Raymond J. Barry, who’s also starred in the critically acclaimed movie ‘Walk Hard’.  But if you tune in every week, imagine the Presidential hopeful making decisions for Boyd and the gang and it’ll make the show much more enjoyable.


Awkward Moments in Cinema History, Vol. 1

September 5, 2011

In ‘Awkward Moments in Cinema History’, I’ll be analyzing and discussing moments in movies that make you cringe in disgust.  Some of these moments will make you squirm more than a conversation with your drunken aunt at Thanksgiving dinner, so brace yourselves in advance.

Today I’ll be dissecting one of my all-time favorite movies, ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

One of the greatest movies to ever grace the silver screen.

Indiana Jones has survived the wrath of a vengeful God, saved an entire village from the rich, oppressive overlords that wanted to steal their magic rocks, and engaged in combat with a centuries-old Grail Knight.  Too bad none of that can save him from the terrible truth he unearths in the third installment.  Our first awkward moment comes just shy of the halfway point in the narrative that should have been Indiana Jones’s last go-round with movie audiences around the world.  Sadly, George Lucas is legally insane and wanted to make another two hour movie that was awkward for everyone because they were tricked into paying money to go see it.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

This movie left more people feeling confused and alone than a deadbeat father.

In ‘The Last Crusade’, Indy traveled halfway around the globe to meet up with his father’s co-worker, the last person to see him before he disappeared.  This wasn’t just any co-worker, however.  It was another professor.  Another hot professor.  Another hot, really young looking professor by the name of Dr. Elsa Schneider, who, coincidentally, also happened to be interested in the quest for the Holy Grail, just like Dr. Henry Jones Sr.  After they meet, Indy and Elsa immediately began a quest of unraveling Dr. Jones Sr.’s mysterious clues along the path of the Holy Grail.  After surviving a cavern full of burning rats and a boat chase through the Venice Canal, Dr. Jones and Dr. Schneider realized their love for each other on the floor of their château bathroom.

Really classy, lady.

Unfortunately for our hero, Dr. Schneider’s lack of class didn’t end there.  It turned out that she was only entertaining his trouser snake because she was a treacherous Nazi-whorebag-spy who was only interested in the Grail Diary Indy had been lugging around since his father mailed it to him at the beginning of the movie.  The very diary that he had been trying to keep away from the Nazis.  After this wretched Nazi skank slept with Indy, she then double crossed him and turned him over to the Nazis.  That is, right after she tricked him into giving up the diary to the evil Nazi, General Vogel.

What a bitch.  And I haven’t even touched on the most detestable part of the hoodwink yet.  It can get worse than turning over your father’s entire life’s work to the very people you just dedicated an hour of the movie to keeping it away from.

With Indy and his father bound to a chair, Elsa whispered to her former lover, Indy, “I can’t forget how wonderful it was,” in regards to their trashy bathroom sex.  To which Indiana Jones’s father replies unwittingly, “Thank you.  It was rather wonderful.”

And that’s how Indiana Jones finds out that he slept with the same woman his dad just slept with.

Harrison Ford - Sean Connery - Alison Doody - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

"And what did you find dad?" "Me? Illumination."

There can be very few things in life more disgusting than finding out your dad’s wrinkly old balls were touching someone’s genitals right before yours. Even if those balls happen to belong to Sean Connery.  Just stop and think about it.  Imagine if you were dating a girl and you brought her home to meet your widowed father.  Then at dinner, you found out that your dad had already tagged your girlfriend a couple weeks prior.  Doesn’t get much more awkward than that.

Men, after watching this Shakespearean tragedy unfold, there are some very important steps you need to take to make sure that you protect yourself and your dignity.  You need to make sure to ask your partner the standard questions about birth control, STDs, if they’re married, and if so, what time their husband will be home.

More importantly, however, you need to make sure that your partner has not slept with your dad in the weeks leading up to the passionate bathroom floor sex you’re about to have.  That’s terribly disgusting and now, an incredibly easy situation to avoid.


Doppelgänger of the Day: Vol. 9

September 29, 2010

Javier Bardem is an Oscar winning actor.  The other is Jeffrey Dean Morgan.  Jeffrey Dean Morgan is not an Oscar winning actor.  However he was on an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger back in 2000.  Go look it up.

Left: Javier Bardem. Right: Jeffrey Dean Morgan, best known for his role as Jake Horbart on Walker, Texas Ranger, episode #9.9, Child of Hope.


A biopic I’d love to see made

September 14, 2010

With the upcoming release of David Fincher’s The Social Network, I found myself wondering what other ensemble biopics I thought could be turned into workable pieces of art.  After visiting the couch of my friends Mike and Elizabeth last night, I think I’ve struck cinema gold.

The Blanket with Sleeves

This biopic would chronicle the epic rise of the cultural phenomenon that is the Snuggie® and the simultaneous dramatic collapse of the relationships behind the friends who invented it.  Before it became the self proclaimed ‘America’s Favorite Blanket with Sleeves’, a young, sexy group of employees at Allstar Marketing hatched the genius idea of making the worn out idea of a blanket way cooler.  Instead of just being able to sit underneath a blanket, they decide to make a blanket much more practicle and easier to use when doing things on a couch, like reading or using the remote, by giving it sleeves.

This movie will star Jessica Alba, Justin Timberlake, and child star Ben Savage from 'Boy Meets World'.

This close-knit (did I mention sexy?) group would eventually collapse under the pressures of their initial success, which would result in a catastrophic internal argument amongst them.  Half of the group would leave to create the Slanket.  Angered and emotionally wounded from the betrayal of their former friends, the other group would go on to take the Slanket and make it even better.

Thus, out of the ashes of ruined friendships…

the Snuggie® is born.

Betrayal. Intruige. Sex. Snuggies. Slankets.

 

Tagline 1: Don’t wear your heart on your sleeves.

Tagline 2: The best friendships are hemmed at the sleeves.


On Lou Brown

July 19, 2010

James Gammon, who managed Ricky ‘Wild Thing’ Vaughn and Roger Dorn as a grizzled Lou Brown in Major League and Major League II, died on July 16th.

Fortunately his contribution to baseball is going to be around for as long as movies are watched.

"Let me get back to you, will ya, Charlie? I got a guy on the other line asking about some white walls."


Dolph-een!

February 12, 2010

In case you’re like me and have been wondering what the stylish Swede Dolph Lundgren has been up to lately… wonder no more.

You would’ve been a fool to bet against him in Rocky IV.


Tony Stark is cool. RDJ is cooler.

December 19, 2009

Every once in a while I let the geek in me take over. Right now is one of those times. I just watched the Iron Man 2 trailer and can’t stop geeking out at how awesome it looks.

Jump to rowthree to check it out
.

Eeeeeeeeeeeeee! My feelings right now very closely reflect how I felt when the Spider-Man sequel was gearing up for a release. I remember thinking how amazing the first Spider-Man film was, but the second one looked even better. To this day I think they’re the two most well put together super hero movies. However, by the looks of it, Iron Man and Iron Man 2 may be giving them a run for their money.