Awkward Moments in Cinema History, Vol. 1

September 5, 2011

In ‘Awkward Moments in Cinema History’, I’ll be analyzing and discussing moments in movies that make you cringe in disgust.  Some of these moments will make you squirm more than a conversation with your drunken aunt at Thanksgiving dinner, so brace yourselves in advance.

Today I’ll be dissecting one of my all-time favorite movies, ‘Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade’.

Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

One of the greatest movies to ever grace the silver screen.

Indiana Jones has survived the wrath of a vengeful God, saved an entire village from the rich, oppressive overlords that wanted to steal their magic rocks, and engaged in combat with a centuries-old Grail Knight.  Too bad none of that can save him from the terrible truth he unearths in the third installment.  Our first awkward moment comes just shy of the halfway point in the narrative that should have been Indiana Jones’s last go-round with movie audiences around the world.  Sadly, George Lucas is legally insane and wanted to make another two hour movie that was awkward for everyone because they were tricked into paying money to go see it.

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

This movie left more people feeling confused and alone than a deadbeat father.

In ‘The Last Crusade’, Indy traveled halfway around the globe to meet up with his father’s co-worker, the last person to see him before he disappeared.  This wasn’t just any co-worker, however.  It was another professor.  Another hot professor.  Another hot, really young looking professor by the name of Dr. Elsa Schneider, who, coincidentally, also happened to be interested in the quest for the Holy Grail, just like Dr. Henry Jones Sr.  After they meet, Indy and Elsa immediately began a quest of unraveling Dr. Jones Sr.’s mysterious clues along the path of the Holy Grail.  After surviving a cavern full of burning rats and a boat chase through the Venice Canal, Dr. Jones and Dr. Schneider realized their love for each other on the floor of their château bathroom.

Really classy, lady.

Unfortunately for our hero, Dr. Schneider’s lack of class didn’t end there.  It turned out that she was only entertaining his trouser snake because she was a treacherous Nazi-whorebag-spy who was only interested in the Grail Diary Indy had been lugging around since his father mailed it to him at the beginning of the movie.  The very diary that he had been trying to keep away from the Nazis.  After this wretched Nazi skank slept with Indy, she then double crossed him and turned him over to the Nazis.  That is, right after she tricked him into giving up the diary to the evil Nazi, General Vogel.

What a bitch.  And I haven’t even touched on the most detestable part of the hoodwink yet.  It can get worse than turning over your father’s entire life’s work to the very people you just dedicated an hour of the movie to keeping it away from.

With Indy and his father bound to a chair, Elsa whispered to her former lover, Indy, “I can’t forget how wonderful it was,” in regards to their trashy bathroom sex.  To which Indiana Jones’s father replies unwittingly, “Thank you.  It was rather wonderful.”

And that’s how Indiana Jones finds out that he slept with the same woman his dad just slept with.

Harrison Ford - Sean Connery - Alison Doody - Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade

"And what did you find dad?" "Me? Illumination."

There can be very few things in life more disgusting than finding out your dad’s wrinkly old balls were touching someone’s genitals right before yours. Even if those balls happen to belong to Sean Connery.  Just stop and think about it.  Imagine if you were dating a girl and you brought her home to meet your widowed father.  Then at dinner, you found out that your dad had already tagged your girlfriend a couple weeks prior.  Doesn’t get much more awkward than that.

Men, after watching this Shakespearean tragedy unfold, there are some very important steps you need to take to make sure that you protect yourself and your dignity.  You need to make sure to ask your partner the standard questions about birth control, STDs, if they’re married, and if so, what time their husband will be home.

More importantly, however, you need to make sure that your partner has not slept with your dad in the weeks leading up to the passionate bathroom floor sex you’re about to have.  That’s terribly disgusting and now, an incredibly easy situation to avoid.

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