On Generic Foods: Accept No Substitutes

Generally speaking, I’m a very practical person.  Every time I’m surfing the shelves of my local Wal-Mart, I walk through the cereal aisle and right past the Nature’s Valley granola bars (which have really increased in price over the last five years).  Instead of picking up a box of $5.00 Nature Valley bars, I opt for the Great Value chewy granola bars ($2.98) instead. If I can save money buying the Great Value brand of something, I’m all aboard.  That being said, there are certain foods for which you simply can accept no substitutes.  Here is a far from comprehensive list of food that may be far from the bargain bin, but will tickle your pallet if you’re willing to shell out the extra cash.

Heinz Ketchup

Condiments are a very sensitive subject in my world of food, with ketchup being my number one priority.  And when it comes to ketchups (or ‘catsup’, as my grandpa would say), there is only one brand that can get the job done: Heinz Ketchup.  I’ve read of blind taste-tests on ketchup and that people can’t tell the difference.  I know the instant that I put that vile generic ketchup in my mouth, I’d instantly recognize the taste of the homeless people the other companies use to thicken out the batch.

Homeless Man and Hunts Ketchup

Have you been wondering where all your local homeless people have been going? I'm pretty sure I know.

Of course there are other ketchups out there that can be had for a more reasonable price than Heinz;  but only a sick freak would ever spread the filth that is generic ketchup on their hot dogs, eggs, or sandwiches.  People who eat Hunt’s ketchup are some of the most disgusting creatures on the planet.

Hunt’s ketchup is people!


If you’ve had a Great Value imitation pop-tart in your mouth, you might as well go fishing for a turd in the nearest public bathroom and rub it on your tongue.  While I have never personally eaten cardboard, I can say that when I eat an imitation Pop-Tart, it’s the first image that pops into my head.  On top of that, the tiny amount of that shitty filling they stuff those things with tastes horrible, regardless of the flavor.

Dunkin’ Donuts Coffee

My good friend just came in to town from Boston and I asked him how popular Dunkin’ Donuts was up there.  He chuckled, looked at me and said, ‘Seriously?’  He then explained if he were to drive five minutes in any direction from where he works, he would run into six or seven different Dunkin’ Donuts.  Considering I currently live in a town without a grocery store, I was impressed.  We’ve all had diner coffee during or after a long bender, and nothing says ‘I hate myself’ quite like trying to sober up with a hot cup of disgusting.  If you’ve ever had the sweet filtered beans of Dunkin’, buying Tops brand coffee just won’t do.

Duke’s Mayonnaise

This is a Southern tradition I stumbled onto during my time in North Carolina.  I’ve got a pretty good idea of why the obesity numbers in the South are much higher than the rest of the regions.

Duke's Mayonnaise

Nectar of the Gods.

When I first tried this delicious sandwich topping,  I did look at the nutrition information on the label.  While I don’t remember the numbers, I do remember that there is a distinct reason I choose to ignore the health warnings that are probably attached with spreading Duke’s on your food and downing a gallon of sweet tea.  I will admit, because of proximity, I’m not as adamant about Duke’s as I am about some other items on this list.  I’ve learned to survive on Hellman’s.  However, every trip to visit my friends down in Raleigh results in me bringing a new 8 oz. bottle of this delicious regional treat.


This delightful sandwich cookie could probably end a lot of global problems if we’d only give it a chance.  Hydrox, Oreo’s bastard stepbrother, is the reason for all the world’s problems, however.

I don’t know how, but with the invention of the Double-Stuff, Oreo has perfected the creme-to-cookie ratio.  Creme Betweens and other monstrosities on the other hand, taste like solidified sludge.

So that’s my list of foods that are undeniably better than their sick counterparts.  Feel free to chime in with your selection below.  Happy eating this holiday season.


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