Quotant Quotables: Vol. 7

“I need an intellectual booty call around these parts.”

“We’re #1 in the #2 business.”

“Take me drunk.  I’m home.”

“I don’t let boys aboard. Only seamen are allowed to sail their ships into my cove.”

“NOT a parking spot.  Look next time, Helen Keller.”

“Is that how real people end arguments?  With a solution?  What a pussy.”

“I don’t have a problem.  I have an addiction.”

“I would laugh if a Steeler died.  Like if Jerome Bettis were walking across the street and got hit by a bus.  That’d be funny.”

“On a minute by minute basis, I would have to say widowmaking is more dangerous than Afghanistan.”

“This artificial crab meat with this artificial butter is artificially delicious!”

“There was no silver spoons for me.  There was plastic spoons and dope.”

“The only thing keeping you from being happy is the belief that you’re alone.”

“I’m here.  I’m plaid.  Get used to it.”

“The 1980’s are like a different planet.”

“What’s the difference between Ike Taylor and Rihanna? Rihanna knows it’s wrong to get beat by your man.”

“Our bodies defy the laws of biology.  We must all have tapeworms or something.”

“Cheating is like masturbation.  It’s a lot of fun until you get caught in the middle of class by your teacher.”

“I remember when I used to be nostalgic.”

“Deer are just giant rats with hooves.”

“Hey.  Are you going to see ‘Hollow Man’ in Invisible-D?”

“I was watching Big Cat Diaries on Animal Planet the other day and I was thinking to myself how I never see those big cats carry their young in their mouth. Then, before I knew it, it happened!”

“Jesus. I was not expecting a yard full of Mennonites when I looked out my kitchen window.”

“My id has a great sense of humor. In last night’s dream I was looking to buy ‘Hymns for Kids’ by Jeffrey Dahmer on amazon.com.”

“With tits like that, she should definitely spend the money to get her teeth fixed.”

“The definition of irony: when the lady from West Virginia wins the Aspen Dental smile of the game.”

“There’s more to life than a good drink. There’s also beautiful women and baseball.”

“Could you kill a moose with a .22? Yeah. You shoot a moose in the head. With a gun.”

“She’s what my friend would call a beefalo. Her ass wouldn’t fit in a wheelbarrow. You wouldn’t touch her with a 10 foot pole, but she has a lot of bruises where guys have hit her with a 12.”

“I saw that girl and was like, ‘Did you see her Halloween costume?’  And then I realized she just dresses like that.”

“I picked up some breakfast.  But it was more like breakslow.  There was nothing fast about that meal.”

“I knew I forgot something at your house.  And at first I thought it was my pants.”

“I think if people knew how often you talk to them while taking a shit, they wouldn’t talk to you nearly as much.”

Fight for You Right to Party is one of the most overrated songs ever.”
“That’s because you’ve never had to actually fight for your right to party.  You’ve had your partying handed to you on a silver platter your whole life.”

“You can erase my strike, but you can’t erase the facts.”

“You wanna come over and watch ‘Public Enemies’ when Meagan leaves?”
“Isaac!  That movie’s in the DVD player in our bedroom!”

“Boys, I worship at the altar of the Rawhide God. He giveth flairs to short right and he taketh away shots in the hole. He can make that 12-to-6 fall right off the table or let it hang like a bed sheet on a mid-summer’s day. But whichever way He lets that ball bounce or drop, you’d better make sure you approach it with everything you’ve got, or else this game will eat you alive.”

“He’s been burned.”

“We’re about to overcome that all over your face.”

“You have about as much tact as blunt force trauma to the head.”

“And I thought I left all the enemies overseas.”

“It could be worse; I could’ve gotten that ignorant shit tattooed on my arm.”

“Did you see her at Halloween?  She is totally stripper-hot.”

“Slap my ass!”

“He’s only saying what’s on all of our minds. People don’t kill people; giant, red lobsters do.”

“You’ll have to pull the key to my double-wide out of my cold, dead hand.”

“We had no choice growing up, you either took a chance of getting stabbed or you went hungry.”

“Don’t blame your bad experience on your lack of experience.”

“From now on if anyone attempts to ruin the good vibe during my facebook experience by posting negative messages in their status update, I’m going to ‘like’ it.”

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