As of midnight tonight, I will no longer be a 27 year old man. Yes, I’ll be turning 28 on October 17th. I suppose all of my recent medical problems are fitting as I inch closer to the 30 year-old milestone and the unforgiving, calloused grip of death. I mean, in dog years, I’m at least 200 by now.
This recent revelation that death is upon me has also made me start to question my lifestyle, however. I mean, the last seven years of my life I’ve been a pretty swinging bachelor. I’ve lived in swanky townhouses, sweet apartments, and baller condos. I spent money like only a white, middle-class rockstar with a $7,500 credit limit could. I was a free spirit without a wife or kids (that I know of) to serve as buzzkills for my awesome ideas, like buying a sweet drum set for my Rock Band video game.
As a result of this self-reflection, I’ve decided to expedite the relationship process and join match.com. Now, there’s a rigorous application process to join match.com, but for the low price of $17.99, an algorithm can be applied to the information I input to find the most compatible partner(s) out there for me! I have been waiting years for a computer to be able to figure out the people I’d get along with in real life, so this is a pretty big day for me. I know that love is hard to find, which is why I’m going to let the internet do it for me.
Now, part of the process involves typing up a 250 character (minimum) essay about yourself. Of course, my favorite part of the whole match.com experience is talking about moi. So I’m going to put myself out there; to share with you my innermost, intimate feelings, my wants and desires, that will hopefully help me find a compatible mate. This is what I’ve come up with so far. It’s pretty solid.
Single and ready to mingle. I’m a 28 year old entrepreneur. I work extensively in the field of alternate energy technology, specifically how to turn boll weevil refuse and corpses into a viable source of energy. I am incredibly interested in the mating habits of zebra muscles and have an extensive collection of them in my grandmother’s basement. Zebra muscles are just a hobby, however. My real passion lies in studying the traffic patterns of urban/suburban areas in the Southeast. I’m looking for a lifelong companion and lover who doesn’t mind rubbing the callouses on my feet in the evenings after a long day of working with boll weevil waste and just wants to sit back to a glass of MD 20/20 and some ‘Little House on the Prairie’ DVD’s by the gas powered fireplace.
I’ve also submitted a picture to accompany my brief “About Myself”.
Please, keep in mind that this is just a jumping off point. I’ve still got a lot of work to do before my profile is ready for the internet to determine my lifetime companion.
But don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated as necessary.