On dating… and such.

As of midnight tonight, I will no longer be a 27 year old man.  Yes, I’ll be turning 28 on October 17th.  I suppose all of my recent medical problems are fitting as I inch closer to the 30 year-old milestone and the unforgiving, calloused grip of death.  I mean, in dog years, I’m at least 200 by now.

All that's left for me to look forward to now.

This recent revelation that death is upon me has also made me start to question my lifestyle, however.  I mean, the last seven years of my life I’ve been a pretty swinging bachelor.  I’ve lived in swanky townhouses, sweet apartments, and baller condos.  I spent money like only a white, middle-class rockstar with a $7,500 credit limit could.  I was a free spirit without a wife or kids (that I know of) to serve as buzzkills for my awesome ideas, like buying a sweet drum set for my Rock Band video game.

As a result of this self-reflection, I’ve decided to expedite the relationship process and join match.com.  Now, there’s a rigorous application process to join match.com, but for the low price of $17.99, an algorithm can be applied to the information I input to find the most compatible partner(s) out there for me!  I have been waiting years for a computer to be able to figure out the people I’d get along with in real life, so this is a pretty big day for me.  I know that love is hard to find, which is why I’m going to let the internet do it for me.

Now, part of the process involves typing up a 250 character (minimum) essay about yourself.  Of course, my favorite part of the whole match.com experience is talking about moi.  So I’m going to put myself out there; to share with you my innermost, intimate feelings, my wants and desires, that will hopefully help me find a compatible mate.  This is what I’ve come up with so far.  It’s pretty solid.

Single and ready to mingle.  I’m a 28 year old entrepreneur.  I work extensively in the field of alternate energy technology, specifically how to turn boll weevil refuse and corpses into a viable source of energy.  I am incredibly interested in the mating habits of zebra muscles and have an extensive collection of them in my grandmother’s basement.  Zebra muscles are just a hobby, however.  My real passion lies in studying the traffic patterns of urban/suburban areas in the Southeast. I’m looking for a lifelong companion and lover who doesn’t mind rubbing the callouses on my feet in the evenings after a long day of working with boll weevil waste and just wants to sit back to a glass of MD 20/20 and some ‘Little House on the Prairie’ DVD’s by the gas powered fireplace.

I’ve also submitted a picture to accompany my brief “About Myself”.

All that you see here could be yours.

Please, keep in mind that this is just a jumping off point.  I’ve still got a lot of work to do before my profile is ready for the internet to determine my lifetime companion.

But don’t worry, I’ll keep you updated as necessary.


3 Responses to On dating… and such.

  1. bittersweet says:

    So I joined Match.com about three weeks ago. Let me say this: You tried to create a strange and unappetizing “about self” section for shits and giggles (great job). Other people are just plain strange and unappetizing all on their own. I’d read this post before, but after a super creepy Match.com date tonight, I had to come back and post something. I’m not kidding when I say I almost ran out on this guy when he was in the bathroom. You know what stopped me? I didn’t think I’d be able to get my car from valet before he discovered me, and I wasn’t ready to deal with whatever repercussions that might have. Do girls have that kind of creepy factor?

  2. Andy says:

    Yeah. I assumed most people on match.com understood that it was pretty tongue in cheek, but I guess I’ll never know because I signed up with a fake e-mail address. I would also like to update my hobbies to spending lots of time spoiling my Maine Coon cats and expanding my Febreeze collection.

    And I’ve definitely hung out with a lot of girls who give off a creepy vibe, but because of my extremely pessimistic and judgmental attitude, I usually I don’t end up spending much more than a few hours with them before we both realize that it’s probably not meant to be.

    Judgmental is just my way of being incredibly efficient.

    • bittersweet says:

      There are a lot of duds out there, you have to be efficient to mow through them. Your love life is sounding a lot like mine. I’m pretty sure I’m going to end up old and alone with fifteen pets. I’m already working my way toward that goal as I have a dog and a kitten.

      I sort of just considered the possibility that I’m probably one of those creepy chicks guys weed out. Awesome thought.

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