On Kent Hovind

I’m not exactly sure when I first remember hearing about this whack job, but it was within the span of a few years ago. The first thing I remember hearing about this guy is that he tried to claim bankruptcy, didn’t file his tax returns properly, and stated that his motivation for claiming that he wasn’t a United States Citizen and had no income or possessions was because everything he owned belonged to God.

That’s a little glimpse into the mental capacity of the man known as Kent Hovind.

Typically (sadly) this wouldn’t strike me as anything more crazy than I’d hear on an average day on the news. However, what captured my attention and I found particularly agitating was the fact that this man had his PhD. “Why does this bother you so?” you might ask. Well, it’s because someday I’d like to have my PhD (or at least my EdD), and this ass-clown is really devaluing the worth of a doctorate.

I’m sure by now you’re wondering how this one person could single-handedly destroy the value of the most prestigious academic achievement mankind has to offer. In order to better understand this, let’s dig a little bit deeper into the life of this big, dumb man-child and see what comes about. **Brace yourselves for large bouts of laughter, followed by immediate feelings of nausea and remorse, please.**

“Dr.” Kent Hovind completed his bachelor of religious education degree at Midwestern Baptist College in Pontiac, Michigan in 1974. He was awarded his Master’s degree in 1988 from Patriot University in Colorado Springs. By 1989 he founded the Creation Science Evangelism Ministry and by 1991 had earned a “doctorate” in Christian Education from Patriot University as well. Now the problem with all of these degrees that Kent was earning was that Patriot University was (and is still) a non-accredited university (accreditation is an award given to universities that prove the quality of their education through all kinds of different, rigorous measures. My alma mater is NCATE accredited, for example). It may be misleading if you go to their website, however, because they claim that they’re accredited, just not by the ‘government.’  It’s accredited by God.  Unfortunately for the graduates from Hillbilly U., God’s signature of accreditation is worth about as much as accreditation from Santa Claus.

Now, onto some other points of interest in Hovi’s life. Don’t worry, we’ll get back to his academic credentials in a hot minute.

For now though, let’s move onto another facet. A little place I like to call…

Dinosaurs! Adventures! All in the comfort of this creepy guy's backyard!

Kent is also the creator of Dinosaur Adventure Land (DAL), a theme park based on creationism located behind his house in Pensacola, Florida. Yes, he’s serious. Read a little bit about Dinosaur Adventure Land here and try not to pee your pants as you giggle. Learn about dinosaurs, principles of science, and even how to make a paper airplane that can fly over 300 feet! Wow! I’m really excited about the paper airplane! I hope the Tyrannosaurus Rex teaches me how to make it! How this swindler made enough money to build a theme park in his backyard is well beyond me. Parents, this is precisely why you don’t tell your kids growing up that they can do anything. Because some of them may actually try.  And then be successful.

If you’ve already booked your flight to Florida to visit Dinosaur Adventure Land, however, you may want to check and see if you can get some vouchers for those tickets; DAL is closed indefinitely due to Kent’s federal tax evasion charges. Oh, and also because he didn’t obtain a building permit from the city of Pensacola before he built an amusement park in his backyard. There were 58 tax-related charges levied against him before he decided that he needed to try and save DAL for the children by deeding his theme park to his brother, Eric Hovind, and his equally zany partner in crime, Glen Stoll. Unfortunately, that’s illegal and is considered tax evasion. You don’t get points for trying and all you probably did was piss the federal government off more. They just want to seize your assets, Kent. And The Man gets what The Man wants.

Now, all of this wackiness isn’t really even what irks me the most about the guy; the federal charges, using God as an excuse as to why he didn’t file his taxes, the zany theme park he built for himself in his backyard (that does kind of bug me, actually. What a waste of money). What does bother me, however, is that this man refers to himself as “Dr. Hovind”, or, on his crazy-ass website, as “Dr. Dino”.  I’d like to preface what I’m about to show you with just how hard earning a PhD should be.

In a nutshell, on top of the coursework required by the university you attend, in order to obtain a PhD you have to create an original piece of academic research. Along the way you submit pieces of this research to publications so that, basically, everyone can bash it and you can see how well it holds up to the criticism of other professionals in the field. The peer review process is absolutely brutal, but necessary, to ensure the legitimacy of the research. After years of research, writing, rewriting, repeating, you submit your final thesis to be reviewed by a counsel that determines whether its an original, acceptable body of research or not.

I’ve seen this process bring some of the smartest, motivated people I’ve ever met to their metaphorical knees. But in the end, the collection of work submitted is (or should be) immense, compelling, and influential.

My interest was piqued about this crazy bastard and what kind of crazy, genius sociopath he was. I imagined this guy to be like a comic book super-villain.  Lex Luthor holding all of Metropolis hostage.  Simply diabolical.  How else could he get away with the shit that he got away with for so long if he wasn’t a super genius?

After reading his dissertation, I will tell you how:

People are dumb.

I tried to read Hovind’s work, but it’s like a dammed Shakespearean tragedy.  I laughed.  I cried.  Eventually I just wanted to give up and read the cliff notes.  If you’d like, you can check out his dissertation right here.   Whatever wacky tribunal decided that this nutcase contributed anything of value to the world of academia should, in the words of my favorite cat Garfield, be drug out into the street and shot.

If you’re not feeling overly ambitious about reading some terribly written bullshit, let me give you the abridged version.  “Dr.” Hovind’s doctoral dissertation begins as follows:

Hello, my name is Kent Hovind. I am a creation/science evangelist. I live in Pensacola, Florida. I have been a high school science teacher since 1976.

Holy shit.  I feel like he just introduced himself at a speed dating convention.  After suffering through minutes of that man’s work, I value his doctoral status less than Dr. Seuss, Dr. Dre, and Dr. Pepper. All of whom I think are more qualified to lecture to anyone about anything more than Kent Hovind. At least Doctors Seuss and Dre are fun to listen to. Hovind writes like a dammed fourth grader.

Another favorite:

I will be quick to point out that “there is nothing new under the sun” Most of my ideas are the result of the input of hundreds of Godly men and women through the years.

God dammit.  I may retch on myself.

I’m glad you’re admittedly writing your dissertation about nothing new, you moron.  That should really help advance the field of whatever the hell it is you’re rambling on about, page after pointless page.

Hovind is a charlatan of the worst caliber.  A stupid one.  A man trying to sell ketchup popsicles to as many ladies wearing white gloves as he can.  And then he has a stash of white gloves waiting in the wings.  And the ladies can see them.  But they still buy the popsicles anyways.  I would probably be a little less frightened if I thought this lunatic didn’t actually believe in the shit that he does, but I have a sneaky suspicion that he thinks the Earth is only 4,000 years old and that Jesus rode on dinosaurs while he was helping the blind to see again.

Yep.  He’s definitely one of those guys.  One of my favorite parts in that video has to be when he references a leviathan.

“Now what on earth is a leviathan?” he asks.

Hopefully you’re not wondering the same thing, because he doesn’t know either.  Instead, Hovind answers his own question by farting the following out of his mouth:

“I think leviathan is probably Tyrannosaurus Rex.  I don’t know.  I can’t prove this.  But I’ve read it many times and it seems to fit and it may or may not be right, but I’m preaching tonight so for tonight it’s Tyrannosaurus Rex.”

He does, however, digress into some interesting facts about T-Rexes though.  And I do have to admit, they sound pretty awesome.  In fact, from now on, let’s just call dinosaurs ‘leviathans’ instead!  Then, I’ll go catch a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and sleep with my 75 virgins waiting for me after I save the Easter Bunny from the deadly clutches of Frankenstein’s monster.

Of course I can’t prove any of that is actually possible.

Thanks for diluting the field, Kent.  After listening to his pointless story about how his mom drug him behind their vehicle on his bike using a rope, I understand the shallow gene pool his family swims in.

I hope you enjoy prison, you ignorant slut.

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6 Responses to On Kent Hovind

  1. Colleen says:

    I didn’t know getting a PhD was so easy. I think it’s time for me to transfer schools….

  2. Andy says:

    I’m going to wager that school has probably never heard of whatever it is you’re studying, Colleen.

    And I’m hoping your dissertation starts out like a Sesame Street episode, just like that clown.

  3. Trish says:

    So I take it you’ve had a bad run in with Christians? I am a Christian, and I respect your thoughts and I have wondered about a lot of the things that guy was sayn… I dont know.. sometimes it is hard to believe everything that you hear or read in the Bible. and you question it.. Anyways… good post. 😉

    • I am waiting for Rod Serling to pop out of the bushes and say I was in The Twilight Zone. I had found a site that will interest you — God of Evolution which is a Christian site that took a stand. The thing we have to end is the denial movement and give the new meaning to teach the controversy. Introduce Evolution into the faith education system (not the Sunday School but those who are in high schools and middle schools. Then ask where does Intelligent Design fall into the mix — because you have those who had spoken for this movement.) I got pissed with YECs pushing that fucking fairytale around that the six day and rest creation (meaning the actual 24 hour cycle they defend.) I have a photograph on tumblr.com which I show that YEC is dead and gone; time to bury the lie. Evolution was never a theory but scientific truth. I went at it with Hovind’s son — I pulled out all the evidence and he banned me so I took the fight to his Creation Science Evangelism and I will explain my occupation. I am a horror author predominately and my activism is in education reform. Science Illiteracy is a huge problem with Christianity in the modern era — especially when you have the YECs who willfully denounce Evolution happened. :Let me show you Old Earth Ministries and they are trying to get the truth out there. With YECs sometimes really forceful profanity is needed to drive the point home and use very dark analogies with H.P. Lovecraft’s work to scare them to re-think this whole view. What if Dinosaurs and humans did co-exist for the sake of argument — who would be extinct? We’d be a warm blooded hot lunch for a six foot meat eater. Such a scenario well I think you should get the movie Carnosaur for Eric Hovind.. One Hovind down , one to go. With him – the way to really have him re-thinking this; is have him needing sleeping pills and a shitload of coffee because it’s time Chicago showed him the photograph of our pet dinosaur in The Field Museum (if you heard of Sue The T-Rex.) You need to get a little grisly to show those KJO bastards that they made a huge mistake.

  4. bittersweet says:

    I can’t believe this man was allowed near young minds, let alone as a SCIENCE teacher!

    I watched the video–that was the longest, most pointless anecdote I have ever heard. I hope people in the audience were not nodding along as if that was a valuable analogy. How do idiots like this even GET an audience?!

  5. Reblogged this on An Author's Blog and commented:
    This is fucking sad that there are a lot like him in the world — Anwsers in Genesis is one of them. Someone from Wikipedia who is maintaining the site is very pissed I have that photo out there. That photo along with Tabloid Purposes is the mandate to encourage real science education into Christian high schools. I am going to give a new meaning to “Teach the Controversy” — teach the science of Evolution, true evolution to the Christian schools. The start is get Tabloid Purposes in the hands of those high schools that are teaching the whole young earth fairlytale to the system. Science Illiteracy is a huge problem in the faith community — My 2007 Promotional Photo, The Lake Fossil Dialog Played Up, and then my first science fiction story just earned its Controversial status. You guys want Tabloid Purposes; I will have this linked up to the recent blog with it’s 2014 anniversary cover. I suggest checking out God of Evolution, and I Fucking Love Science. The latter of the two is a favorite of my friend Nikk Dibs in Dope as he admitted he wanted to study microbiology than go to a bar. I wish I also had the money to get him a microscope. So those of you who are in the Science community in Kentucky — you guys are going to need my help to send Ken Ham into bankruptcy. We need to get TBN aware of God of Evolution.com because they are the ones who will help vindicate Evolution from someone like “Dr.” Hovind. And his fucking idiot asshole son, Eric. I want to do a debate in a documentary with Eric but not in a Creation Museum but in the location where I originally took my photo at 2 in the morning from walking up the subway tunnel on The Red Line at the Museum Campus. It’s time for a Science Intervention with someone like Hovind something with real science — Lake Fossil’s science is paleontology but I was making a joke out of Hovind’s whole thing about humans dinosaurs co-existing. God of Evolution has a grisly meme on their page — and I did a few grisly blog entries about for arguments sake they did “co-exist.” We’d be a hot lunch for a pack of raptors with our blooded bones left behind. Even TBN believes in the young earth fairytale — but they had the subject of creationism vs. evolution. The Lake Fossil Trilogy now has a new meaning — and my new story I am working on plays up a KJO who is very much like how Hovind is. I guess the AiG asshole had seen my tumblr.com blog and was pissed because I debunked him quite hard. This reblog and my own blogs are (playing Rod Serling’s role) submitted for your approval in The Twilight Zone. I am going to be pinteresting my most recent blog entry too so you can read it as I am rebutting Hovind and Ken Ham — half-truths; you are a half truth Ken. You fucking flat earther — yeah that’s harsh but when I am dealing with a known liar like you. It’s time to show how pissed God is with you.

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