Ted Haggard is completely heterosexual.

What is it about me that screams gay?

For those of you who don’t know the classy guy in the photo above, that’s evangelical preacher ‘Pastor Ted’ Haggard. He’s a complete charlatan, by the way; he preyed on people who were too ignorant to think for themselves by stealing millions of dollars from the ones that attended his ‘church’ and bought his incredibly insightful literature, like The Pursuit of the Good Life. This was all the while, mind you, that he had a three year affair with a prostitute by the name of Mike Jones, whom he not only banged, but solicited for methamphetamines.

People like Haggard make my skin crawl. There’s not a sincere thing about this guy and watching videos of him and his bigoted propaganda spinning is truly disgusting. This guy, as Mike Jones can attest to, however, does have balls. After resigning from (or being fired from) all of his religious posts and exiling himself to heterosexual bootcamp, Haggard asked his flock for money so that he and his wife could attend the University of Phoenix online. Yes, it’s very difficult to go to college full-time and manage the mortgage on a $700,000 house when you’re a recovering drug addict and massage-loving homosexual. But, undoubtedly, people gave this idiot their cash. God, I hope the IRS digs through this guy’s taxes.

My favorite part of this fraud’s nasty career as a minister of the good Lord’s message isn’t that he was preaching against homosexuality while banging male prostitutes, or that he was taking crystal meth, or that he, on the surface at least, believes that homosexuality can be ‘cured’, or that he went on Oprah and stated that his wife should divorce him (because who would want to go through one of the most difficult trials of their life with the person they committed themselves to spend the rest of it with, right? How’s that phrase go? “When the cat goes away…”). The fact that he attended Christian university Oral Roberts, while somewhat funny and ironic, isn’t even it. No. None of that is my favorite part of this guy’s story.

I most enjoyed watching his evangelical “friends” distancing themselves from him completely.

The religious leaders whom Haggard was friends with, left him high-and-dry after his revelation of recreational drug use and banging a male prostitute. Close friend Dr. James Dobson said he didn’t have time to participate in restoring Haggard “from being gay to not gay.

Some fellow conservative Christian leaders got in their digs yesterday. “We’re sad to see any evangelical leader fall,” the Rev. Pat Robertson said on his television show, “The 700 Club.” But, he added, it “just isn’t true” that the NAE represents 30 million churchgoers, as the association claims.

The Rev. Jerry Falwell, speaking Thursday night on CNN, said Haggard “doesn’t really lead the movement. He’s president of an association that’s very loose-knit . . . and no one has looked to them for leadership.”

Check out the original article citing some of Haggard’s good buddies here.

To me that shows not only what kind of people these incredibly compassionate ministers are (hopefully you don’t need to borrow any milk from them anytime soon), but what kind of person they knew Haggard was as well. Someone that wasn’t worth spending five years with to make him magically not gay again.

Anyways, here’s Roy Zimmerman’s take on Ted Haggard here. If you get a chance, check out Zimmerman’s youtube channel. It’s absolutely hilarious.

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