Quotant Quotables: Vol. 3

These are all quotes involving my friends over the last year or so. Not to sound like a total fruitcake, but I really love these guys. If I’ve missed any other good ones, please feel free to add ’em at the bottom.

“Hey, slapdash! You gonna shoot or what?”

“Holy S-Turn!”

“Marcus is cop-proof.”

Random guy who butted in at the pool table:
“Oh. You only play for a buck? I only play for 5 bucks.”
“Well we only play for a buck. So bring a dollar and your rum and RC Cola over here if you wanna play.”

“What do you call a person from Idaho?”
“A potato-eating mother fucker.”
“What about a person from Wisconsin?”
“…A cheese-eating mother fucker!”

“It could be worse. You could be pregnant.”

“What’s the safe word?”
“Safe word is the safe word.”

“She doesn’t look too bad for a lady who banged out four or five kids.”

“How could I get a chick into my room? It’s two feet by two feet.”
“Roofies.”

“Andy, your face has that sunken-in, Abraham Lincoln look.”

“Rule number one: the belt always matches the shoes.”
“What’s rule number two?”
“Always follow rule number one.”

“We will be arriving at Gate A. That’s Gate A as in ‘Ah, f*ck, a three hour layover.'”

“I’ve never seen anyone eat ice cream as fast as you.”

“Common sense says bite your tongue.”

Upon hearing that Angelos Vangelos was arrested for threatening the governor of North Carolina:
“Angelos Vangelos? Ha ha ha ha!”

“Is he drinking a gallon of beer?”
“A gallon of beer wouldn’t be called the gallon challenge. It’d be called Saturday night.”

“Anytime anyone enters our circle of friends they must think to themselves, ‘What the fuck is wrong with these people? They hate each other.'”

“If you breed, we’ll teach ’em to read.”

“That’s why I only watch Fox News.”

With his head hanging out of the passenger side car window whilst riding down Cherry Street:
“I feel just like The Joker in that Batman movie right now!”

“My grad class discussion is due tonight by midnight. You wanna do it for me?
“For how much?”
“Five bucks.”
“All right. Where’s your lap top?”

“Oh, sure, Andy. Trust the white man. Why don’t you ask the Native Americans how that worked out for them?”

“Let’s make some poor choices.”
“Just make sure it doesn’t burn the next morning.”

“DON’T PATRONIZE ME!”

“Hey, can you shave the back of my neck?”
“Sure. As long as it’s not your balls, I’m okay with that.”
“…it’s a good thing girls can’t see us getting ready for the bar.”

“Sam! Are you wearing whitey-tighties?”
“NO… okay, you called me out on that.”

After Garrett drank a gallon of milk, he needed to place his head in the freezer to keep his core temperature down and possibly vomit on all of our freezables.
“Hey, big guy. How ya doin’ over here?”
“Get away from me.”

“I blacked out for the first time in my life from alcohol consumption last night. I threw up everywhere in this dude’s house and everyone thinks I’m a dick.”
“Yeah. How long did you manage on that keg-stand?”
“11 seconds.”
“Nice.”

“IYQ”
“IYQ2”

“G’Day Lad! I just found out that in order to obtain optimum awesomeness we must move out of our parents’ houses, so let me know if you want to obtain optimum awesomeness.”

“Our best ideas happen at Sprague’s”

“Steve comin’ out tonight?”
“No. He said he’s taking a break from drinking for a while.”
“Really? Why?”
“Well, he said the last time that he went out like that, he could smell the Jim Beam in his piss for a week.”
“Oh.”

“Anyone think it’s weird that that guy’s wife is like seventeen years old?”
“I think that’s his daughter.”

“I just block-blocked the shit out of you.”

“Erin Andrews is so hot that when she’s alone and naked in her hotel room she actually stands in front of the mirror and checks herself out.”

“They need to create a phone application for you that won’t let you dial on your phone after 2 AM.”

“I definitely didn’t have doe tag this deer season. I Committed Cervidae-cide last night.”

“I can’t wait to get drunk and hang upside-down on that inversion table.”
“Yeah. All that thinned blood running right to your brain is going to be awesome.”

“Man, for being an accountant I sure can’t add and subtract.”

“Here’s a nickel’s worth of free advice: If you ever have to speak in public, please don’t use the word ‘good’ as an adverb.”

Lady while eating a bowl of hard ice cream:
“I don’t like hard ice cream.”
“Yeah. I can tell.”

In the middle of a debate on public health care:
“Yes, I’m saying I don’t agree with that! It’s my own fucking opinion! If you don’t like it, you can get the fuck out of my house!”

“Football today at our house, guys. It’s BYOF: Bring Your Own Fork.”

“Rule number one: Don’t fuck with Dan at Blokus.”
“What’s rule number two?”
“Always follow rule number one.”

“Holy shit. How did all of this happen? Tonight started out with me just wanting some Taco Bell.”

While watching the Halloween episode of “The Office”.
“Book face? I don’t get it.”
Jim Halpert on the television: “Yes. I am the popular social networking site ‘book-face’.”
“Ha ha. Oh, I get it.”


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