As most of my constant readers will know, I am enveloped in all things Pittsburgh Steelers. I was bleeding black and gold before I even knew what a first down was. In fact, once I tore a picture of me out of one of my mother’s photo albums and shredded it because a relative of mine had the audacity to dress me up in a pair of Dallas Cowboy footie pajamas. Heathens.
However, as big of a Steelers fan as I am, I’m also a staunch supporter of all things not-douchey. And, if you’ve been keeping up with your sports news lately, Jeff Reed has been nothing but a douche lately. In fact, he’s been a humongous douche. Now, if you haven’t been keeping up with your sports news, let me spin you a yarn about our place kicker, Mr. Jeff Reed.
He has two incidents with the law over the course of this year. They are as follows:
February 2009 – Alexandria, PA – Upset that a paper towel dispenser at a Sheetz gas station was empty, Jeff decided to do the logical thing at 3 AM and beat the bricks off of the dispenser, then harass the attendant. No word yet as to why he didn’t want to use the hand dryer. For this great life choice, he paid $543 in fines and restitution after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.
October 2009 – Pittsburgh, PA – While leaving a bar with his friend and teammate Matt Spaeth, Jeff decided he didn’t agree with the police officers when they told Spaeth that he couldn’t pee on the outside of a building. While voicing his displeasure of that arcane law, the police apparently had to restrain Jeff as he allegedly took a ‘fighting stance’ when they approached him. This encounter may be a little more severe than beating up an inanimate object as he’s been charged with simple assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness.
Now, let me say that I have been a staunch defender of Jeff and particularly his field goal kicking in recent weeks. He’s kicked his entire career in one of the most unfriendly kicker stadiums on a god-awful playing surface. As recently as two years ago, he lead the league in field goal percentage. He’s a solid kicker. Yes, we’ve lost a few games when we could have won because he shanked a kick this season. Find me a kicker who hasn’t missed a big kick once or twice. I’ve contested time-and-time again that we shouldn’t have been in a situation where we needed a kick to win the game in the first place. But I digress.
My defense for Jeff Reed stopped when he started acting like a giant douche. I’ll save myself the humiliation of posting pictures of our kicker that have found their way to the world wide web. But if you’re curious as to what the King Kicking douche does in his down time, google image Jeff Reed and see what pops up. Kickers are almost worse than major league pitchers.
Keep it up, Jeff, and you’ll be kicking with Mike Vanderjagt and starring as Tony Danza’s stunt double in ‘The Garbage Pickin’ Field Goal Kickin’ Philadelphia Phenomenon’. Or some other crappy Disney movie like that.