Oh, that Jeff Reed

As most of my constant readers will know, I am enveloped in all things Pittsburgh Steelers. I was bleeding black and gold before I even knew what a first down was. In fact, once I tore a picture of me out of one of my mother’s photo albums and shredded it because a relative of mine had the audacity to dress me up in a pair of Dallas Cowboy footie pajamas. Heathens.

However, as big of a Steelers fan as I am, I’m also a staunch supporter of all things not-douchey. And, if you’ve been keeping up with your sports news lately, Jeff Reed has been nothing but a douche lately. In fact, he’s been a humongous douche. Now, if you haven’t been keeping up with your sports news, let me spin you a yarn about our place kicker, Mr. Jeff Reed.

He has two incidents with the law over the course of this year. They are as follows:

February 2009 – Alexandria, PA – Upset that a paper towel dispenser at a Sheetz gas station was empty, Jeff decided to do the logical thing at 3 AM and beat the bricks off of the dispenser, then harass the attendant. No word yet as to why he didn’t want to use the hand dryer. For this great life choice, he paid $543 in fines and restitution after pleading guilty to disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.

October 2009 – Pittsburgh, PA – While leaving a bar with his friend and teammate Matt Spaeth, Jeff decided he didn’t agree with the police officers when they told Spaeth that he couldn’t pee on the outside of a building. While voicing his displeasure of that arcane law, the police apparently had to restrain Jeff as he allegedly took a ‘fighting stance’ when they approached him. This encounter may be a little more severe than beating up an inanimate object as he’s been charged with simple assault, resisting arrest, disorderly conduct and public drunkenness.

Similar career paths?

Now, let me say that I have been a staunch defender of Jeff and particularly his field goal kicking in recent weeks. He’s kicked his entire career in one of the most unfriendly kicker stadiums on a god-awful playing surface. As recently as two years ago, he lead the league in field goal percentage. He’s a solid kicker. Yes, we’ve lost a few games when we could have won because he shanked a kick this season. Find me a kicker who hasn’t missed a big kick once or twice. I’ve contested time-and-time again that we shouldn’t have been in a situation where we needed a kick to win the game in the first place. But I digress.

My defense for Jeff Reed stopped when he started acting like a giant douche. I’ll save myself the humiliation of posting pictures of our kicker that have found their way to the world wide web. But if you’re curious as to what the King Kicking douche does in his down time, google image Jeff Reed and see what pops up. Kickers are almost worse than major league pitchers.

Keep it up, Jeff, and you’ll be kicking with Mike Vanderjagt and starring as Tony Danza’s stunt double in ‘The Garbage Pickin’ Field Goal Kickin’ Philadelphia Phenomenon’. Or some other crappy Disney movie like that.

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4 Responses to Oh, that Jeff Reed

  1. The Author says:

    First of all, comparing Reed to Downey Jr. is blasphemy.

    Now, I’ll admit the hair thing is pretty douchey of Reed and always bugged me, but I have a feeling he’d be a lot like the Austrlian soccer player in The Replacements. And hell, he’s rich, an 82% FG kicker, and a two time Superbowl winner. I don’t mind if he gets some petty criminal charges for fighting and public drunkenness. He was sticking up for his friend and approached the cops in a “fighting stance.” That’s hilarious to envision more than anything. He’s not taking guns to clubs and shooting himself in the leg here. As long as it does not effect his play on the field or actually make him serve time behind bars, I find all his shenanigans amusing.

    Come on, Andy, comparing him to Vanderjagt? He isn’t trash talking teammates – and he still sits in the midst of fans at dozens of Penguins games each year, which is pretty damn cool.

  2. mrburdicksblog says:

    First of all, an 82% career field goal percentage is nothing special. Nick Folk, Ryan Longwell, Rob Bironas, and whole bunch of other guys in the league have career percentages higher than Jeff Reed. Does that mean that they’re better than he is? I would argue against it. He’s no Billy Cundiff, but he’s certainly expendable when he plays for a franchise that expects a little more out of a player as figureheads than this:

    I mean, if you’re going to do stupid shit, maybe don’t let people take a picture of you doing it.

    And comparing him to Vanderjagt is totally legit when you consider Vanderjagt is mostly famous for his off the field issues (and not his career kicking percentage) and Jeff Reed is mostly known, outside of the Pittsburgh fanbase, as the guy who beat up a paper towel dispenser in a bathroom.

    Also, I’m going to say that ‘petty criminal charges’ probably won’t fly for very long under Tomlin, who expects his players to be a little more focused than getting arrested for something less than a felony. Those players don’t stick in Pittsburgh for very long because they make it harder to win in our system. I’d take 1,000 players with Polamalu’s commitment to the game any day.

    And you really don’t have a leg to stand on when you try and stick up for a friend who’s being reprimanded by the police and peeing in public… since that’s illegal.

    Your argument sticks about as much as some dried paste. He’s well on his way to douche-master supreme and a new home next season.

  3. The Author says:

    a) Reed is 12th in NFL history in field goal accuracy.

    b) His crimes aren’t that big of a deal. He beat up a paper towel dispenser and goaded cops. He gets drunk and gets angry and punches shit. So what? He’s not a distraction for this stuff.

  4. Andy says:

    a) Kicking has evolved faster than just about every other position in the NFL. As recently as 50 years ago, George Blanda was one of the best quarterbacks in the league AND one of the best kickers. 82% is good, but easily replaceable now-a-days, by guys like Nick Folk, Ryan Longwell, Rob Bironas…

    b) He is a distraction, according to Mike Tomlin at least. Kicking is one of the most scrutinized positions in the league. When you miss one at the end of the game, like Reed’s done twice this season, everyone in Pittsburgh hates you. Can you imagine what’s going to happen to Reed if he shanks a game winner now? Jesus.

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